For the first time in a long time I went to one of the most demeaning social situations in existence. An open call. Being an actor isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. You put yourself out there to be judged over and over again and you’re denied acceptance over and over again. Not to mention spending countless hours in rooms full of strangers who seem to think it is their life’s purpose to psych you out. I’m pretty seasoned on the audition circuit and don’t get frazzled easily, but I still want to punch those people–you know, for the sake of everyone else. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve had very few unemployed spells as an actor, but I’m definitely coming off of my longest run of steady employment (which translates to longest absence from the auditioning world). It was slightly strange to slip back into a part of my life that was once a daily occurrence. I got nervous, my heart sped up, I thought about what the auditionees were saying about me while I auditioned-totally not the old me.
It’s something about slipping on that old life again that reminded me of where all this neurosis about my body stemmed from. The first time I ever lied about my weight was when I was seven-years-old at a meeting with an agent. My mom told me to say I weighed 70lbs instead of 80. I have no idea what the appropriate weight for a seven year old to be is, but at that moment I knew that whatever I was I was not right. I’ve spent most of my life since that moment auditioning and subsequently worrying about how I look. But this time, not so much. I realized as I was walking home that there was not a single moment while sitting in the holding area that I compared my body with any of the other actresses. In fact, while I was getting ready at home before hand I had a pretty big realization…I’m kinda cute.