Let’s talk about stress and coping mechanisms.

Some people are good at coping, some people are not.  I am not.

If you know me, you know that I’m the kind of person that piles on the stress until I’m about ready for a breakdown—and then I get a second job/sign up for a marathon/decide to conquer a small nation state.

Stress has always been key to performance for me, I perform my best when my candle is burning from both ends.  Or, so I thought.

Usually, I have one key coping mechanism to help burn off steam.  That would be exercise.  There’s something about spin class or running or kickboxing that helps me manage it all.

Since breaking my foot a few months ago, my journeys to the gym have been fewer and further between and way less impact than I’m used to.  Cycling at a leisurely pace on a recumbent bike just doesn’t have the same “release” as sprinting for 45-minutes.  Weird.

Well, training for my next race, The Hampton’s Half Marathon in September, started this past weekend.  I hadn’t run since the day I broke my foot, and I was more than a little apprehensive.  But, what was most surprising to me on my embarrassingly exhausting 1.7 mile jaunt was the fact that I started crying hysterically.

I don’t know what I was crying about.  I was just crying.  I had gone months.  MONTHS!  Without finding any effective way to manage stress—and these have been incredibly stressful few months–the first chance my body got to let off steam it went whole hog breakdown.

The good news is that my speed was relatively decent because I kept trying to outrun the rest of my group so they wouldn’t label me  “Crying Crazy Girl.”

As I walked home, still sniveling, I decided to do whatever was needed to make my life less stressy.

One of the things that has effected me most, as you all know, is that I gained a wee bit (30 lbs) of weight in this past year.  I’m not happy about it, but I’m also not sure I have the mental space to focus on calorie counting when I have articles to write and a book to promote—in addition to a new job to manage.  In a compromise of sorts with myself, I decided to invest in a meal delivery diet.

Last year I tried The Fresh Diet for a week.  I liked the fact that all the meals were pre-packaged, calorie controlled, and all made from fresh, real food.

I re-signed up for a month.  One month of dieting by default.  I don’t have it in me to stress about food, but I would also like to fit comfortably in my jeans again (thank you summer dresses for being so forgiving)—this may be an expense, but it takes the stress out of this one very emotional issue for me…at least for now.

I also decided to take Sundays off from The Fresh Diet.  Partly because I believe in having a cheat day every week for sanity’s sake.  But also because I love cooking, and need at least one day a week to get down and dirty with some mixing bowls and my oven.

As far as exercise goes, I now have two races to prepare for.  In addition to half-marathon I’m training for with Team-in-Training, I also signed up for The MoonWalk: NYC, an overnight walking marathon to raise money for breast cancer research and treatment.  You guys know I’m a sucker for a good cause

With all the walking and running I have ahead of me as I train for these two events, hopefully decompression won’t be as much of an issue.

Since I’m doing something “new” with my daily eating habits, I figured this would be a good time to start photographing my food again.

Today was my first day of delivery, and I have to say I was a bit hungry.  I don’t think I realized how much my body had gotten used to eating.  My pre-packaged 1200-1400 calories a day seemed measly compared to what I usually make for Roy and myself.

Here’s the rundown:

Breakfast

Asparagus & Cheddar Cheese Quiche with Fresh Pineapple

Lunch

Grilled Wild Mahi Mahi on Whole Wheat Ciabatta Bread with Lettuce, Tomato & Thousand Island Dressing

Dinner

New York Strip Steak with Mango BBQ Sauce with Sauteed Mushroom Medley and Haricot Vert
Mushroom Crowns Filled with Cajun Shrimp

Dessert

Honey Almond Cheesecake

Kim

I’m not sure if you’re aware of it yet, but it is June.

June.  The midpoint of the year!  We’re almost halfway finished with 2013 and what do we have to show for it?

I don’t know, because I don’t know the majority of you personally, but I for one have six-months to get my hiney in gear.  Actually, I have a feeling that come July when my book comes out my hiney will be running around in overdrive, but for now I’m feeling lazy and need some big goals to make me feel useful and important.  That’s how I roll.

Thusly, here are my resolutions for June 2013:

Write a New Five-Year Plan. I’ve been a big fan of the five-year plan since graduating from college (ahem, almost ten years ago).  To be honest, my plans usually end up taking about 2-3 years to complete.  There’s something about putting all of my career and life goals down on paper that makes them a priority.  My last five-year plan was done in an Excel spreadsheet (because I’m incredibly anal retentive) and took me about two years to wrap up.  Luck was most certainly on my side this go ‘round, but I’m starting to feel a bit aimless these days and would like to make some time to sit down with myself and decide what it is that is important for me in the next five years.  Since I’m not stumbling through my 20s anymore, methinks this version will probably be more life altering…things like marriage and kids will probably happen before these five years are up which is completely insane to think about.

Schedule Time for the Things that Matter…to Me.  It takes me more time than I’m comfortable with to adjust to shake ups in my schedule.  I’ve said before that my new job is much more life-consuming than I’d like.  To be honest, I don’t see myself staying in this position for all that long, but for now it covers my rent and health insurance while I try to find something better. I CANNOT LET THIS JOB WIN, I need to make more time for the things that matter in my life.  Those things consist of going to the gym regularly, studying for my personal training exam, having the time to cook healthy meals, blog on a regular basis, and write in general.

Social Networking. I don’t mean that in the Facebook sense.  I mean that in the going-out-and-being-a-human-being-that-interacts-with-other-human-beings sense.  I’ve been a bit of a hermit lately, for all sorts of reasons: schedule, freelance work, utter exhaustion, but there needs to be a limit to how much time one person can spend at home.  This may fall under my last resolution, but I need to make more time to be out in the world…especially because I’m pretty sure The Fella’s friends are starting to think he made me up.

Sunday Sun-Days. When you’re blessed/cursed with skin as pasty-white as mine, the sun can be a scary element.  Alas, one cannot avoid UV-Rays entirely.  Roy and I have recently come up with a couple-resolution.  Spend Sundays, the only day of the week neither of us work, together and doing something active outside.  Running in Riverside park, walking around Central Park, doing our weekly grocery shop in the Union Square Farmer’s Market. Just being together, and being active.

Speaking of being active, Team-in-Training round two starts this month.  With all of my fundraising done, I can focus my energy on simply immersing myself in the training program.  I’m looking forward to some nice long runs in the park!

What are you Resolving for June?

Kim

I have drafted a thousand blogs in my head this week: blogs about healthy self-talk, blogs about self-acceptance, blogs about finding balance, and maybe a few blogs about how much I really think I need a puppy.  Unfortunately, I’ve been working INSANE hours, coming home after 10pm from days without lunch breaks or a few moments to compose myself.  When I do get home, I usually fall asleep on the couch while attempting to establish some bond with my real life.

What I’m saying is, I forgot that I hate having a traditional day job.

That sounds spoiled, I know, but after spending years being my own boss (which is awesome, but also has numerous downsides like inconsistent pay checks and incredibly costly health care) I’m out of practice at being someone’s peon.  And, well, my new job is far more life-consuming than was originally supposed to be the case.

This is most definitely not a lifer-job, especially because it allows zero hours for me to keep up with the writing work that is the base of my career.  For now I’m resolved to having my health insurance covered by strangers and direct deposit with which to pay my bills.

I sometimes feel like I’m too old to still be figuring it out career wise.  My ideal life would consist of blogging about healthy living while working on books full-time, and while I had that for about a year (and it was glorious), it’s not necessarily sustainable. I went to a book release party for a friend who writes YA fiction a couple of weeks ago, and was lucky enough to chat with a whole bunch of writers who really do write full-time. A big aspect of being able to do that, they informed me, was to sell books in a series.

That’s where I’m stuck.  I don’t know that I’m ready to make a career as a memoirist, I’m no David Sedaris. And, let’s be honest, I already have a blog, how narcissistic can one career get? So, I am in a place now where I am entrenched in the question, “What do I want next?”

There have been discussions in recent months about grad school, ghostwriting, and novels.  I’m comfortably uncomfortable in the limbo of indecision for now. While I’m waiting for the next life-altering idea to come floating my way, I suppose I will settle for a steady paycheck and finishing up my personal training certification.  The sooner I can do that, the sooner I can be out from behind a desk—inspiration never strikes while staring at a computer screen.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?  Have you ever struggled with a career change?

Kim

You’d think it would be easy to not do something, but after five years of photographing every morsel, meal time seems incomplete.

Still, I think this particular resolution is important right now, because I need to remember what it’s like to eat without pressure: pressure to be thin, pressure to be interesting, pressure to cook pretty things.  Instead, I am focusing solely on nourishing my body, and more importantly my mind.

Instead, I’m taking pictures of the simple things that make me happy.

Things like:

Flowers…

flowers…

more flowers!

Here’s a simple rule I live by: If someone says “Do you want to take a centerpiece home?”  I say yes.  Because flowers are pretty, and smell good, and are even better when they’re free.

Last week I went to quite a few events with centerpieces, and quite a few centerpieces came home with me.  My apartment smells AMAZING!

I didn’t say I wasn’t taking pictures of any food!

Israeli-style breakfasts really rock my socks.  Even before The Fella came into my life I was smitten with the Israeli habit of eating salad with breakfast.  Can you think of a healthier way to start the day?

For Sunday brunch I channeled The Fella’s homeland and made eggs, cucumber/onion/tomato salad, toast (I didn’t have any pita bread), and a wedge of soft cheese.

It would appear this made him very happy.

Another thing that makes me happy: Curling up in a fuzzy blanket with a good book.
I may be a little late to join the bandwagon, but I might be in love with Neil Gaiman.

Simple stuff kind of rocks.  What are your favorite simple things?

Kim

I really am flabbergasted by how amazing ya’ll are.  I’m overwhelmed—in a good way.

While this blog has always been a running diary of my daily adventures in eating and exercising, it is also about having a healthy perspective.  That’s the part I’ve lost, and in order to find my way back to that magical medium in my mind I’ve decided to cut back on the food photos and exercise diary.  I’m not sure what that means, but my promise to you is to try and keep it interesting around here, and my promise to me is to be nice…to myself.

I’m not giving up on photographing food completely, just photographing all of my food.  Like today, today’s food needed photographing, because it was an experiment in mail-order chefdom!

At a party last month I met the founder of Plated, Nick Taranto–he was recently written up in the New York Times Business, Dining & Wine, and Dining & Wine (again) sections.  We were chatting about food blogging,and when I checked my inbox the next day he’d sent me a voucher for two free meals!

I actually bought four meals, so I did pay a bit for this little experiment, but not much, each plate came out to $15.

Since The Fella is out and about tonight, I figured I had the perfect opportunity to experiment in the kitchen—reason being, I ordered fish and chicken entrees and Roy is a vegetarian.  We try to keep the house meat free, but when I do need a meat-based meal I eat it when he’s not around to watch.

So, what was on the menu tonight?

Roasted Salmon with Spring Pea Salad and Potatoes

My box o’food arrived while I was at work, luckily it was well iced and insulated, and still cold when I got home.  A major concern when you’re ordering fresh fish!

Inside where all sorts of baggies labeled by dish with their ingredients.  I took out all of my “Salmon” ingredients and got started.

Armed with a  list of ingredients, equipment, and instructions on how to make each dish (with awesometacular photo guides) I rolled up my sleeves and started cooking.  Basically this experience was like reading a cookbook, only all of the ingredients are perfectly portioned in front of you and there’s little to no prep work.

The recipe itself was really simple and the whole meal was finished in 30 minutes.  The instructions even tell you when to start cooking things, as in “While the salmon cooks, start assembling the salad), ensuring that everything comes out at the same time.

I’m not sure I would want to fork over $15 for a regular at-home dinner on a regular basis, but I could definitely see myself using Plated again when I’m having people over for dinner, wanting to impress them, but not spend all my time in the kitchen.  Also, I really liked the fact that I didn’t have to waste time measuring, all the ingredients were perfectly proportioned inside.

demo

versus

Kim

The best part is that I have left overs.

The other best part is that I can keep the recipe card, and now have a new easy dish for fish-eating friends!

Later this week I’ll be testing out a chicken and pasta dish, I’ll keep you posted.

Kim

Thank you.  Thank you all for your supportive and wonderful words that made me cry all day yesterday—because I’m a big softy and I cry when people are so overwhelmingly nice to me (I didn’t cry in Michigan, that was another kind overwhelmingly nice). And I cry when people say things that ring true, and I know I’m being ridiculous but can’t seem to get back to that place where I know those things are true, too.

Perfectionism has always been an issue for me.  I don’t expect other people to be perfect, in fact I’m constantly telling the people in my life to be kinder to themselves when they fall short of some unreachable ideal they’ve set out for themselves.  And yet, I have such a hard time doing that for myself.  I expect so much of myself, and sometimes I wear me down.

For now, I have resolved to eat.  To eat healthy foods that nourish me, but won’t send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of self-loathing.  But I will not diet, I will not count calories or points, I will not allow myself to focus on anything that could bring out the obsessive calorie accountant in my head.

As for exercise, my foot has not completely healed, which is something that has been incredibly disheartening.  The bone itself is sturdy enough, but the soft tissue is still swollen and painful.  Training for my next race starts at the end of May.  For now, I resolve to go easy on my foot, to let it heal, so that I can run when it really matters.

Writing all of this, there is a voice in me that is calling me a pansy, and says that I can do more, work harder.  But for now I am holding my ground, in hopes that my ground will make me stronger and more able to fight that voice off in the future and perhaps will bring me back to that place where I didn’t even think about dieting, I just ate what fueled me and felt good about that.

Thank you again.  For reading.  For being so supportive.  For reminding me that my struggles aren’t so different from anyone else’s and that this too shall pass.

Kim

I am going to be very, very honest.  Get ready.

When I started this blog five years ago I was in an amazing place with my body.  I had given up dieting.  I loved myself, I loved exercising, and I for the first time in my life since I was 9-years old, didn’t give a hoot about calories, points, or carbs.  And that was the premise of this blog, healthy living sans the crazy.

Somewhere along the way something changed and I fell into cycles of extreme dieting and exercise, all the while hoping you didn’t notice that I was kind of a sellout.  I know you did, but denial is a beautiful thing.

Over the course of the last year something else happened.  I just stopped caring.  I simply didn’t have the energy to diet anymore, but not in the same inspiring way I had when I started this blog, in a way that meant not taking care of myself at all.  Notice the lack of blogging– that was embarrassment.  I just didn’t want you to see what I was eating…and I was busy, but mostly it was embarrassment.  There are all sorts of things I’ve been mentally punishing myself for this year: for writing my memoir and telling a lifelong secret to the masses and allowing the world to judge me and my family and for a fallout with my closest friend.

I’m not entirely done with the self-flagellating.  I don’t know that I ever will be.  I like to harp on stuff.

Whatever the psychobabble-mumbo-jumbo behind it, I’m in a place now where I, yet again, feel like a sellout, because as someone who has always advocated for health and self-acceptance at every size, in the past year I have gained 30lbs.  That’s a lot for one year.  That’s a lot for a short girl. And I hate myself for it.

And the thing is, I just don’t have it in me to diet.  There are things in my life so much more important right now that focusing on the width of my hips that I just can’t seem to bring myself to care, but I also can’t seem to bring myself to the point of self-acceptance.  I feel so overwhelmingly embarrassed in my skin right now, to the point where I avoid social situations, but I just can’t seem to rally.

And, there is a very insecure part of me that feels like I’m cheating The Fella out of the girl he could be with.  Because he didn’t sign up for me when I was this size, and he is a personal trainer, and he thinks I want to eat egg whites and salad and kill myself to look beach ready.  But I don’t.

I am tired of dieting. I want, more than anything, to find that girl again, the girl that started this blog because she had finally learned to accept herself and ate healthfully because she thought she deserved it and exercised because she loved it.

I don’t know where she is, or how to find her, but for now I’m just putting this out there in the world so that maybe she’ll see it and come back.

Kim

View from my Hotel

As I start this post, I must tell you that I had a certain image of Michigan.  You see, back in my single days I kept finding myself dating men who graduated from the University of Michigan.  I’m not sure how that happened-okay, I am sure, all it takes is a couple of friends and a few Bud Lights and all of a sudden you’re a Wolverine groupie.

I’m no longer single, but I figured there must be something about Michinganders that I’m bizarrely drawn to.

Well let me tell you PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN ARE SO NICE!

Maybe creepy nice.  I mean that in a, I grew up in New York and think that I’m nice, but also expect to be moderately abused by my neighbors on a daily basis.

I stopped at a McDonalds on the way to the studio each morning.  No judgments please, there weren’t too many places open for breakfast on a Saturday at 7am.  On the second day the cashier apologized profusely for not remembering how I take my coffee! And, he came around to make sure everyone was enjoying their meals and refill coffees.

I don’t know about where you live, but McDonalds employees in NYC basically growl at you and then throw some fries in your general direction whether you ordered them or not.

It wasn’t just the folks at MickyD’s, everyone I encountered was really nice.  Like the kind of nice where they ask you how you’re doing, then actually wait for you to respond.

Seriously, if you can’t tell, my mind is blown.

Things that were also a luxury for me…

A king size bed just for me!
I’ve been telling The Fella for months that I just want to check into a hotel by myself for a few days.  This may sound super unromantic, but he gets it.  I am someone who really loves and really needs their alone time, and I think the transition to living alone to living with a significant other has been a lot harder on me.  I slept more in one weekend than I have in the last six-months.  The Fella and I are compatible in many ways, but not in sleep.  He likes to sleep in the middle of the bed, I like to move around a lot.  We don’t fight too often in waking hours, but we seriously battle it out in slumber.

Driving a car!  I think this is a part of most peoples day-to-day that seems like a given.  But I drive a car maybe once a year.  I really miss driving sometimes, but not enough to give up city life, and definitely not enough to drive a car in the city.

BTW, this little Fiat was a adorable, but had a super crappy blind spot.  You know, in case you’re in the market for a compact car.

In case you were wondering what an audiobook recording studio looks like…voila!  Recording the audio for my own book was a really great opportunity.  I’m not sure I could have trusted anyone else with my words…my life. I tried to read it as narrator-y as possible.  Although, I must admit that there are things that are still hard for me to say aloud (hence the writing) and I did get emotional in a few spots.

Hello, my name is Kim and I have emotional breakdowns in front of strangers.

But, if anything I hope that emotion translates to listeners.  I’ve never been a big audiobook listener, I prefer seeing my worlds and creating voices for each character in my head, but I know there are oodles of people who enjoy a good audiobook.

I have a new respect for the genre, it’s tough work reading aloud for eight hours a day.

To top it all off, we finished early.  I wrapped on Sunday afternoon, meaning I won’t be heading back to Michigan this weekend…goodbye King size bed, we were separated too soon.

I’m so thankful to the folks at Brilliance Audio for allowing me this opportunity…and for the downright awesomeness of the people of Michigan.

This book stuff is get REAL.

Do you listen to audio books?

Kim

More on Oregon later, first things first, let’s get down to picking a Self FitKit winner…

Emily, expect an email from me requesting your mailing address!

Everyone else, stay tuned, there are more giveaways up my sleeve.

Okay, now back to regularly scheduled blogging.

The Fella paid me a pretty interesting compliment the other day, and it got me thinking.  We were talking about my “Say Yes” attitude to life.  Basically, whatever opportunity, no matter how scary or how random, I’ll do it.  He said something along the lines of, “You’re one of the only people I’ve ever met who isn’t afraid of failure.”

Sweet, but untrue.

I am just as afraid of failure as the next person.  Hell, the upcoming release of my book scares the bejebus out of me.

What I am not, is afraid of being afraid.

It’s quite possible that there’s something screwy in my wiring, but I’m pretty comfortable with fear.  In fact, fear has always seemed like a good sign to me. A sign that something is worth working for.  Let’s just say it’s a good thing we’re not scavenging the Earth as hunters and gatherers anymore—I’d probably try to pet a lion.

The positive aspect of this quirk of mine is that I’ve achieved some pretty neat things in my thirty years.  The negative is that I can often be less compassionate than I’d like to be about other peoples’ fears.

According to my mom I’ve always had this “sure, why not” attitude.  On Parent’s Day in first grade my teacher asked if anyone could point out New York on a map.  I immediately raised my hand, stood up, realized I had no idea where my home state was, and proudly pointed out Oregon.

I thought about this aspect of my personality all weekend (as I was hanging out in a recording studio in Michigan, reading aloud my life story). And, I have to say, this may just be my most favorite part of myself.

I think it’s okay to write that.  I mean, how much of my life is spent harping on my least favorite parts of myself?  A lot—too much.

If I have children one day, and they can inherit anything from me, I hope it is the part of me that can throw myself headfirst into the world, no matter how scary it is, and see what happens.

What is your favorite part of your personality?

Breakfast

Smoothie: Almond milk, banana, vegan protein powder, Better ‘n Peanut Butter

Lunch

Bagged lunch: Greek yogurt and a salad with walnuts, craisins, and goat cheese

Dinner

Pasta and grilled tofu.  Not my most creative meal.

Exercise: 45-minute Zumba (my first class since being out of the cast!)

Kim

I’ve heard a rumor that it’s May.  It sure doesn’t feel like May, and I’m not one to buy into rumors, but just in case these whispers are true, it’s time for a new round of resolutions.

Last month, I was all about finances.  And, not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I did focus my energy much more on saving than spending, and I did get a new job.

That new job has inspired some new resolutions for this month.

For the last two years I have been the master of my schedule.  I woke up in the morning, moseyed to a café and worked until I could no longer work—then I did something else.

I’m a little rusty on the day job thing, but slowly but surely I’m getting used to it again—and having health insurance that isn’t slowly ruining my credit score is nice.

This month:

Time Management is a priority.  I’ve been doing alright with getting my freelance work done in addition to my jobby-job, but my work hours are long and I usually have to choose between writing/exercise/blogging.  And the poor Fella is feeling a wee bit neglected.  I don’t have any clue what people with jobs and kids and husbands do.  I can hardly handle a job and a little bit of homework!  I’m not striving for perfection, but each night of the week I will focus my energy on something that needs doing.  I may not be able to exercise five nights a week, but if I can hit the gym twice a week and once during the weekend I’ll be okay with myself.

Walk to Work.  My new job is directly across Central Park.  The last few weeks have been about getting used to the new schedule, but as soon as this Month’s Metrocard runs out (May 7th) I’m going to get up and out a little bit earlier each morning and enjoy a few moments of sunshine and fresh air each morning and evening.

A Day of Rest.  I’ve heard something about all work and no play making Jack a dull boy.  Well, I know from experience that I have no problem getting lost in the whirlwind of adrenaline that comes with a packed schedule.  BUT, I actually have a life I enjoy living, and so going forward I am making Sunday my day off.  I have too much work to not utilize Saturday as a catch-up day.  Of course, the next two weekends I’ll be in Michigan recording my audio book, so those weekends are immune to this resolutions. I am, however looking forward to having some alone time in a hotel room.

Have I mentioned that I miss the gym.  I’m really looking forward to fitting it back into my schedule this month!

What are you resolving for May?

Kim