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I have to admit that while I was pregnant I had this sort of dream sequence in which I could breastfeed myself down to my ideal body weight all while bonding with my beautiful little boy. Afterall, breastfeeding burns calories, right?

Uhhh, sure, I guess. The reality is that I sit on the couch all day with a baby who is mostly using my boobs as a pacifier and my postpartum weight loss seems to have just consisted of the actual weight of the baby. I’m totally still wearing my maternity wardrobe and I have a hard time mustering the confidence to leave the apartment even when I don’t have a baby in tow. 

As the days pass I feel more and more bonded with my little guy and my ass feels more and more bonded with my Ikea furniture. Now that my 100 days of darkness are almost done I’m feeling a bit less like an extra on the Walking Dead and a bit more like a chubbier slightly more tired version of my old self, it’s time to start putting a regular exercise routine back in place.

While a mere week or so ago the idea of doing an exercise DVD seemed about as doable as cuddling with a volcano, I’m actually ready to be a bit more physical. I’m actually craving a bit (a lot) more physicality.

I recently signed up for Class Pass, a subscription service that allows you to try out boutique fitness classes in your area, and have gone to a Barre class (SO HARD), an old folks yoga class (WE ALL JUST PRETENDED I BELONGED THERE) and a Zumba class. I use it when The Fella is home or when we have the nanny. And when the baby goes to sleep at 7pm, I’ve mustered every ounce of energy I have left in my body and have been doing a 30-minute dance DVD. I’m not exactly racking up a hardcore calorie deficit, but that’s not really my goal at this point—I just want to not be sitting on the couch for a while. My world is very small these days. Very small, and my ass is simultaneously growing and getting flatter.

And, now that the weather is cooling down a bit, Ethan and I are going on longish walks in the park a few days a week. Really, the length of the walk is regulated by his tolerance for not being attached to my boobs, which can vary in increments of 0 minutes to 3 hours.

I am currently at the highest weight I’ve ever been. It’s hard. Looking at my jiggly, stretch-marked belly in the mirror is a harsh reality and I tell myself everyday that I don’t want Ethan to remember me this size. I need to lose this weight so that my son will always remember a healthy mom. My goal, my hope, is to lose a pound a week for a year. That seems healthy. That seems doable. As for diet, I’m nervous about cutting calories because I have milk to make, so I’ve been following the Weight Watchers nursing mother’s program. I spent many years on Weight Watchers and have been for a very long time kind of disillusioned with the points system/support group style program, but right now it seems like the best choice for my current lifestyle. If left to my own devices I have a habit of cutting calories a bit too much and that won’t work for us right now.

So far I’ve lost zero pounds, but hey, I’ll get there. Maybe. I hope. Sigh.