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Do you guys remember when I was a nice, relatively optimistic person?

No. Me neither.

I am not a glowy, graceful pregnant lady. I’m bloated. And sleep deprived. And I cry every morning for no reason. The Fella now sleeps on the couch because he’s scared of me…and because I snore like a freight train. I have to give myself a pep talk every time I come home or walk the dog to waddle my way up the stairs of our third floor walk-up, and I drink an ungodly amount of milk. Milk is wonderful, it is the only wonderful food.

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I know I’m going to love this little boy when he gets out here, but I’ve reached the pinnacle of grumpiness when it comes to toting him around where my spleen used to be (all of my internal organs are still present, but have been relocated to the right side of my rib cage).

I’ve also decided I can never trust anything my mother says. She told me that pregnancy was wonderful, that she “never felt better” and that her completely unmedicated labor was easy peasy, done over the course of a Wheel of Fortune rerun. I haven’t given birth yet, so I don’t know how my labor will turn out, but I’m decently convinced that she’s wrong about that part too. Up until this very moment I trusted my mother unquestioningly.

No more.

Lies.

They were all lies! I have to rethink everything.

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Not to sound completely ungrateful, there are a few silver linings: about 50% of the time I’m offered a seat on public transportation, strangers congratulate me when I’m out walking the dog or crossing the street (please note, it’s very strange to be congratulated for having unprotected sex, but I do appreciate the random kind interactions with strangers), but the best part is that my dog is super duper affectionate these days. Inez, like her mama is a fiercely independent soul, and up until very recently wasn’t the most cuddly of pups but now she’s all about cuddling up with my belly. So that’s cute, and sometimes keeps me from hurling things at the wall because I just want a nap and I have yet to figure out a way to comfortably nod off while standing up.

My main resolution this month is to not do any sort of irreparable damage to the relationships in my life because I hate everyone who currently gets to sleep for more than 45 minutes.

My other resolutions include;

Finishing up my last draft of edits on my next book, Beautiful Bodies, that are due mid-month. I’m almost there guys. Almost there. If ever there was a time that I needed coffee it would be now, but I can do this decaffeinated. I can do this!

Start putting together baby life stuff. Up until now the only evidence that we were expecting a new human would be my elastic pants, and the startling number of milk jugs in our refrigerator, but as our due date gets closer we really should start putting together stuff for the kiddo.

Go to prenatal yoga at least 3x a week. Prenatal yoga is seriously the best form of exercise ever invented. What other yoga class encourages you to get up for a pee break multiple times during the practice and bizarre bodily noises and the use of an excessive amount of props totally cool? It’s literally the only thing that helps me alleviate some of the discomfort of having my organs squished. I’ve never been a big yoga fan, but I’m a total convert to prenatal yoga.

I’m also going to try my darndest to find that positive part of my personality and really enjoy these last few weeks of baby growing.

What are you resolving for April?