Thank you. Thank you all for your supportive and wonderful words that made me cry all day yesterday—because I’m a big softy and I cry when people are so overwhelmingly nice to me (I didn’t cry in Michigan, that was another kind overwhelmingly nice). And I cry when people say things that ring true, and I know I’m being ridiculous but can’t seem to get back to that place where I know those things are true, too.
Perfectionism has always been an issue for me. I don’t expect other people to be perfect, in fact I’m constantly telling the people in my life to be kinder to themselves when they fall short of some unreachable ideal they’ve set out for themselves. And yet, I have such a hard time doing that for myself. I expect so much of myself, and sometimes I wear me down.
For now, I have resolved to eat. To eat healthy foods that nourish me, but won’t send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of self-loathing. But I will not diet, I will not count calories or points, I will not allow myself to focus on anything that could bring out the obsessive calorie accountant in my head.
As for exercise, my foot has not completely healed, which is something that has been incredibly disheartening. The bone itself is sturdy enough, but the soft tissue is still swollen and painful. Training for my next race starts at the end of May. For now, I resolve to go easy on my foot, to let it heal, so that I can run when it really matters.
Writing all of this, there is a voice in me that is calling me a pansy, and says that I can do more, work harder. But for now I am holding my ground, in hopes that my ground will make me stronger and more able to fight that voice off in the future and perhaps will bring me back to that place where I didn’t even think about dieting, I just ate what fueled me and felt good about that.
Thank you again. For reading. For being so supportive. For reminding me that my struggles aren’t so different from anyone else’s and that this too shall pass.