In many ways this little blog here is like my journal. Some days my life is boring, and others it’s wonderful and scary and full of drama all at the same time.
Today would be the latter. Today I met with a literary agent to discuss book ideas. Like I said, I’ve been pretty lucky in regard to my career. I feel really blessed. People have always been fairly receptive to me in the writing arena—even though for all extents and purposes I have no idea what I’m doing. I seem to fumble my way along happily. I took a writing class with this agent a couple of years ago. When the class ended she had asked for me to send her my final book proposal. Then my life fell apart: my mom was in and out of the hospital, I was working in the field office for hell, and personal writing projects seemed too self-indulgent to focus on.
Queue to a few weeks ago, same agent contacted me to say ‘What’s up? Why haven’t you written a book yet?’ Okay, she was a wee bit more articulate than that, but the gist was the same. We met today to discuss book ideas; I came in with three: one proposal that’s almost done, another that’s in super draft form, and another that isn’t started at all. The unstarted one wasn’t started for a reason. It’s about the deepest darkest secret I have.
I have an amazing life, but it’s definitely had some really hard parts. Some uniquely hard parts. While I’m not going to get into it right now, I really credit a lot of the challenges I faced growing up with who I became as an adult—I’m thankful for that because I really like me. Still, they’re not things I like to think about too often. So, when I told the agent about this fledgling idea she looked psyched. There are really no books about this. Okay, there’s one, but mine would be funnier. (Whatever you’re thinking ‘it’ could be, you’re probably wrong—you’ll have to wait to buy the book. It’s nothing sexual, I was not a man, nor was I switched at birth…I think.)
I left the meeting with the agreement that I would send her my outline in a few weeks. At first I felt energized and excited to get on this horse and ride it…and then I broke down. It’s a pretty great thing as a writer to have people excited about you. Of course, an excited agent does not a book deal make–I could do this and not get a book deal. Or, I could get a book deal which would be an unbelievable step for my career, a professional dream come true, but on the heels of revealing something extremely personal to the entire world. Wow, that sucks! There are a lot of other books that I could write that would be easy to write. This would be hard, super hard, but it would be a story that only I could tell. The weirdness of my life never ceases to amaze me. I want Ginnifer Goodwin to play me in the movie 😉
I did what I do whenever I’m upset I called my mother non-stop all day. Seriously, the woman is a saint; I do not wish anyone the task of having to calm me down when I’m have a whack-attack. Her advice: use a pseudonym. That’s an interesting idea, I’ll consider it but I can’t see how it could effectively help my career if my name’s not on it. These are all thoughts for a later time.
Somewhere between hysterics I realized that if I do write this book, it’s mine. I get to control what’s in it, what I say, and how I say it. If I want it to be about the positives that come from bad situations, I have to make that what it’s about. It’s easy to get marred down in negative stuff, but I’ve never been one to play any blame games or make excuses for my behavior. Maybe this story needs to be told the way I tell stories: in that easy way that says ‘We’re all just people. Big, fallible, lovable people.’ That is, after all, my general philosophy in life.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I know it’s super vague, but like I said, you’ll have to buy the book. I feel better having gotten that out there.
I skipped the gym today to wallow in utter confusion. I’ll be back in full swing tomorrow.
Now for some food:
Egg white omelet with spinach and mozzarella
I treated myself to a little Pinkberry post meeting.
Baked chicken breast, roasted Brussels sprouts and roasted tomato