I hate dating. I just want to throw that out there. I’m not usually the kind of person who likes to write about the nitty-gritty of their personal life. In fact, in general, I am an extremely emotionally private person. But sometimes I just feel like putting things out there into the universe.
My best-friend likes to say that I am uncomfortable with all emotions that are not happy. That is true. Happy is my favorite of the emotions, and I try to live the majority of my life there; I mean I work really hard to make happy happen on a daily basis–it is a lot of work and sometimes those other suckier/more realistic emotions creep in–it drives me nuts.
I took almost a year off from dating after I broke up with my last boyfriend (long time readers will remember him as Achilles). I dated Achilles for all the wrong reasons: because everyone said I should. Because he was perfect. Because he cared about me more than I cared about him. It never felt right to me, and I was the worst possible version of myself in that relationship. I tried breaking things off with him early on, I was never dishonest about the way I felt, but he was persistent and many of the important people in my life encouraged me to stick it out, that feelings would develop. When things ended I swore to myself that I would never do that again; It wasn’t fair to either of us. It took me up until just recently to feel like I even had time in my life for someone else.
For the last few months I’ve been dating. I’ve tried to take things slowly with the people I’ve dated, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, so that I don’t feel that pressure. First of all, perhaps I’m not a modern woman, but I hate dating more than one person at a time–even casual dating, it’s time consuming, confusing, and feels icky at times.
Having said that, there have been three guys in my life recently:
- The perfect guy. He lived close, he’s sweet, thoughtful, called regularly and wanted to spend time with me. He never pressured me into anything physical or emotional. Basically, he should give classes.
- The middle of the road guy. Quiet and brooding. I enjoy my time with him, but I’m pretty sure we could take or leave each other. I find a strange comfort in the evenness of this, but I feel confident that if we never spoke again neither of us would notice.
- The one I was smitten with. Stupid smitten. The guy I liked, really liked, for no discernible reason other than if felt good to be with him.
Things ended with perfect guy recently. I was so hoping that I could grow into feelings for him, but waiting around wasn’t fair for him, and at the end of the day relationships are more than coffee dates and pecks on the cheek. I’m not a particularly religious person, but as he left I prayed that he would find someone amazing, because he deserves it.
I guess everyone deserves it, but he in particular.
Things ended with smitten guy also, as for quiet and brooding, well, I probably won’t return his calls.
It all just makes me feel stupid. On a very rational level, I don’t understand relationships: They make us feel a lot of things that are not always the best: insecurity, aggravation, hurt, or like we’re hurting others. Why do we willfully do that to ourselves?
On an emotional level, well that’s a whole other can of worms, but somehow those feelings of safety when you’re being held, or elation when you giggle with someone, or that tingly feeling that happens when someone touches you, and all those other warm fuzzies that aren’t tangible, are worth all the other more craptastic ones.
I’ll try to remember that as I venture forth. . .or, I’ll just retreat into workholism, that’s always a comfortable place to live for me.
Maybe I’m giving up. Maybe I’m not. I’m not sure, why is this so hard?
Do you have an inspiring love story or absolutely love the single life?