When you were a kid did you ever sing that song:
I am slowly going crazy
1-2-3-4-5-6- switch.
Crazy going slowly am I
6-5-4-3-2-1 switch.
I think that’s my new anthem.
Let me explain: I am totally and complete paranoid of getting bed bugs.

Bed bugs make headlines about every other minute here.  I’m not sure about where you live, but New York City is the supreme bed bug capital of America.  This little fact means that at least once a week I’m scrubbing down my bed, spraying it with bed bug repellant (I’m not entirely sure it works for anything other than calming my nerves), I have my mattress enclosed in what can only be described as a giant sandwich bag, and every single bug bite I get sends me into a whirlwind of despair.

Well, lately I’ve been pretty stressed out.  Mostly this stress comes from work: the sheer amount of work I have to do, and the fact that I hate the place that I have to do it in.  I know things are getting bad because earlier this week I broke out in body wide welts.

You’re not eating right now, right?  If you are sorry.

I’m super-rashtastic right now.  Obviously when my skin started getting bumpy and itchy I decided that this could only be the result of one thing: Bed Bugs.

Off I went to my doctor hoping he could magically make me stop itching.  He assured me that these are not bed bug bites, but indeed a rash of welts caused by stress or perhaps an allergen, but most likely stress.

I left feeling reassured.  Paranoia calmed.  I left and filled my prescription for an antihistamine that does not stop the itching but sure does make me sleepy (hence no blog yesterday, I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work).

I woke up at 1am super itchy and decided that the doctor was obviously wrong, this must in fact be the work of evil blood sucking bed demons.

I’m nuts, there’s no denying it.

Of course I call my mom who is like, “Umm, calm down, you do not have bed bugs, you’ve checked there are no signs of them and the doctor says it’s stress related…SO STOP STRESSING.” (Disclaimer: She doesn’t actually speak like that, I speak like that.  My mom phrases things in a much more soothing yournotcrazyyou’retotallyfineeverythingwillbealright sort of way.)

Of course my mom is right, but I’m still crazy so at 1am I started a mass house cleaning.  Now, I’m a pretty clean person, but every once and a while a bug will get inside.  It was that one bug that was about a half inch long and winged that I found dead under my bed.  Bed bugs don’t have wings and they’re much smaller, but I told my mother that obviously I had been invaded by evil-mutant-winged-monster-bed-bugs.

There was no stopping me now.  I proceeded to wipe down everything in my bedroom with Clorox.  I now need a new frame for my diploma because I broke it trying to look behind it for hiding bugs.  I threw out all of the belongings under my bed (which admittedly may have been a bit hasty, but if they were under my bed I wasn’t using them anyway).

Then as my pièce de résistance I opened up the lining of my box spring with a knife.  Got a flash light, poked around inside, (does it surprise you that there were no bugs to be found?) bleached everything, sprayed more bed bug spray, reconnected the lining with safety pins, then wiped down the outside with bleach and bed bug spray.

Have I mentioned at this point it’s like 2:30am?

Next I bleached my plastic covered mattress and sprayed it too with bug spray.

Somewhere in the middle of all this I woke my landlord up and told him he needed to get an exterminator in pronto!

It’s amazing he hasn’t evicted me by now.

Next I called  my mom back to say  everything was clear, no bed bugs to be found, then went back to sleep in a room full of noxious fumes.

The good news is that all the cleaning kept me from scratching my hives.

Maybe when these hives go down I need a trip to the spa.  Or perhaps send my mom and landlord to the spa, they deserve major kudos for not throttling me.

Wednesday Breakfast

Oatmeal with lite sour cream
Banana

Lunch

More lasagna

Snack

Apple

Dinner

Udon noodle soup with bok choy and shrimp

Thursday Breakfast

Whole grain English muffin with egg whites, veggie “sausage”, lite cheese
Pear

Lunch

Same lunch, different day

Dinner

Soba noodles with broccoli, tofu, and peanut sauce