I saw this quote on The Happiness Project blog today:

“Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.” —  Flannery O’Connor

It hit home for me in a very sore place right now.  Those of you who have read me for a while know that this year has been pretty hard for me, between losing my jobs, getting a new job that I hate, my mother almost dying and having on-going health problems, and having a break-up right after a long anticipated romantic getaway–let’s just say I’ve been rattled.

The wear and tear of the last year has really been a struggle for me emotionally, and when I struggle emotionally I tend to struggle physically.  I’ve definitely put on weight.  That was very much confirmed to me at a doctors appointment last week.

The more I freak out about my weight gain, the more unhealthy my habits become, the less likely I am to hit the gym, the more likely I am to binge on gummy worms at the office (amazing how those little binges never make it on the blog-hmmm), and the more likely I am to shrink away from things I love like nights out on the town or auditions.

Whatever I’m doing now is not healthy.  Perhaps it’s not healthy physically, but honestly I know I can lose weight, what is more important is that whatever I’m doing now is not healthy emotionally.  I think it’s time to live by Flannery O’Connor’s example, and just accept who I am, right now at this weight, hair length, eye color, jobby-job, exercise level, etc.

Stressing about my weight won’t change it.  Blaming myself for being a complete emotional disaster at a time when I had every right to be a complete emotional disaster isn’t going to help me feel any better in my skinny jeans, it’s just going to endanger more gummy worms to a tragic fate.

I haven’t felt the way I do now in a very long time.  I really felt before this little chapter of my life that I had “found the secret”, I ate healthfully because I loved it, I exercised because I craved it, I indulged when I wanted and I felt happy and peaceful in my relationship with my body.  I miss those days.

Hopefully they’re not gone for good.  I’m going to take a page from my old Kim playbook and stop trying so hard to be perfect.  I just don’t think I can handle the stress right now.  Instead, I’ll choose my food based on the way it makes me feel.  And to be honest, as tasty as those gummy worms are, I don’t exactly feel like a rock star when the bag is done.

I think it’s time to just forgive me.  It’s a process, it always is, but just acknowledging that I did the best I could, and that wasn’t perfect, but I’m still here and now there’s more of me to love.

This is my last post for the week.  I’m off first thing in the morning for a weekend wedding.

Breakfast

Corn tortilla topped with black beans, egg, 1/4 avocado
Pineapple

Lunch

Yes, this is the same picture as yesterday.  Same salad, different day.

Snack

Baba Ganouj with carrots and cucumber (again, same picture as yesterday)

Undocumented Bags of Gummy Worms= 1

Dinner

Udon noodle soup with bok choy and shrimp