My name is Kim and I am having a grumpy day.

A day that is quite possibly not irrationally grumpy, or perhaps completely selfishly grumpy, but grumpy nonetheless.

I’m about to share something from my super-duper-personal life, which is not something I usually do on here, but sometimes getting things out there helps them not seem so big a deal.

Yesterday a friend told me that a shared friend of ours is currently dating an ex-boyfriend of mine.  My first reaction to this whole thing was to say that I am A-okay with this scenario, to choke back any craptitude I might feel about it, and assure everyone that I’m okay.

Last night, as I sat in bed berating myself for not being super-duper happy about this,  I realized that sometimes it’s okay to be mad at people.  I don’t always have to put other peoples feelings above my own.  I mean, I know their relationship isn’t in the slightest about me, it’s not a personal vendetta, and neither is my respective pissiness.  I’m just pissy, it doesn’t mean I wish them any ill.

Now, let me state for the record that I have no interest in any sort of re-kindling with said ex-boyfriend, he is an ex after all for a reason.  But we’ve maintained a fairly friendly acquaintanceship and we have many mutual friends in common.  Neither our relationship nor our break up was what one might call dramatic.  We were never in love.

Having said this, I’m not sure why I’m upset about this.  Perhaps it’s because I had to learn from another friend. Perhaps it’s because there’s this invisible list of rules about who it is appropriate to date and friends exes are not on it.  Mostly though, I just feel awkward now and like I don’t really know how to be friends with them.  From what our mutual friend says, the female factor of this is totally smittenly in love, and that’s great.  I don’t begrudge them any happiness, or at least, I don’t think I do.  But, she knows insight into my previous relationship with him, and to me, that feels really awkward.

Plus, from what I’ve heard, she’s in that super-duper gushy only wants to talk about him phase.  Which is usually cute (if not grating, but we’ve all been there), but definitely something that I would feel awkward about being the recipient of.

She and I have a girlie date for a mani-pedi this weekend.  These regular pampering outings are where we usually dish the dirt in our lives, especially pertaining to men.   I’m considering cancelling.  I don’t feel any need to make any sort of big deal over this.  I’m not really a factor when it comes their relationship, but I’m accepting the fact that I do have some feelings and a reaction to the situation.  More than anything, I think I’d rather not be involved at all, which may mean laying low on the friend front for a while.

Sometimes my emotional reactions baffle even me. I am, however, learning to accept that sometimes I feel things, things I don’t like, and maybe that’s okay.  I don’t always have to take the high road.

I do have to eat though:

Breakfast 11.12.09

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Spelt Bagel w/Lite Cream Cheese
1/2 Pink Grapefruit

Snack

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Banana

Lunch

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Split Pea Soup

Fruity Chewy Indulgence

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That was the first handful, then I took another one.  Addictive lil suckers!

Dinner

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Grilled Mahi Mahi over spinach couscous w/avocado and brussel sprouts