The other day I reached into my closet and blindly pulled out a pair of jeans. They were a size six. I had this overwhelming feeling of shame as I returned them to my closet and looked for something that would actually fit me.
Two months ago, on exactly the same day my mother had surgery (something that would very much effect my life in the coming months), I blogged about how I’d gained 8lbs. I was okay with that 8lbs. I wasn’t in love with it, but it seemed like a surmountable obstacle to my otherwise healthy lifestyle. I remembered being that same exact weight on my way down the scale and remembered how happy that number had once made me. It wasn’t so bad to be back.
Today, after months of no sleep, lots of comfort food and little activity I’m up a bit more than 8lbs. This time, I’m not so accepting. My clothes feel uncomfortable and I’ve started feeling self conscious in a way I haven’t in many years.
I had, before this weight gain felt like I’d figured it all out. Eating healthy wasn’t a problem and exercise was as much a part of my day as brushing my teeth or writing this blog. To be honest, maintaining my weight was pretty easy.
I have to say, that I’m pretty disappointed in myself that I’ve gained enough weight to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I could blame many things, long work days and long hospital and post hospital care of my mother, I could blame meetings at work with wee fistfuls of candy at the ready. I could blame any number of things, but in the end the only thing to blame is myself. I’ve taken my health for granted.
I feel like I’m back at the drawing board; starting over on a journey I had at one time felt like I’d completed. There’s so much I’ve learned about myself, and what I’m capable of achieving physically over the last few years. I know that those lessons are still imbedded somewhere in my psyche. One of the most important lessons I’ve come to realize is that we only get this one body, and the body we have at this moment is the one that matters. My body now is what I have to work with. If I’m going to get over this hurdle I need to stop thinking in the past. My life is different now-I need to do the best I can with what I have instead of constantly trying to make my square life fit in to the round hole that it once called home.
I am not the heaviest I have ever been, nor am I the leanest, I am exactly what I am right now. What that is is dissatisfied. At the end of the day if I don’t like something, it’s up to me to change it. No one is going to pop on by with Kate Winslet’s body for a little transplanteroo for me. I’ve got to do this on my own.
Bear with me as I figure this out all over again. It should make for an interesting ride.
Oatmeal w/lite sour cream
Orange (My boss has been sick and has taken it upon herself to hand out vitamin C)
Vegetarian Split Pea Soup
Whole grain toast w/hummus and avocado
Tofu Bahn Mi
I had a lovely dinner date with two Brooklyn Foodie Bloggers: Sarah at Pink of Perfection who I mention often because she’s a good friend who also happens to live a block or so away, and Lisa who writes A Dinner Party. I’m new to Lisa, but think she’s just the loveliest and her blog gets in A+ in food porn.
We decided on Vietnamese sandwiches for dinner over email at about 10am and for the rest of my day I had fantasies about super spicy tofu and sweet and chewy Bubble Tea. A lovely night complete with delicious food, spent with two wonderful ladies who are also wonderful writers. What more can a girl ask for?