I’m feeling a bit icky about myself today. Not in regard to body, in fact, I finally feel like I’m getting back to a comfortable place with my body. I’m feeling pretty icky about me as a person, and how I’ve treated someone.
Once, when I was in college I was talking to a friend and I said “You know when you’re wrong, but you can’t stop being wrong, you just follow through till things explode?” She said no. Apparently this is a condition unique to me. For the last few months I’ve dated someone, who I treated, well, wrong, but I didn’t know how to not be wrong. It’s hard being emotionally available when you’re not really sure how you feel.
So, last night, things ended. I feel bad about that. I feel bad that I hurt someone, because I’ve been hurt, and I never want anyone to feel the way I’ve felt when that happens. I’ve spent most of the day dwelling on ways to be a better person, or at least a person who is better at handling other peoples feelings and expectations. If I take anything from this situation, it is the resolution to have more faith in peoples ability to handle my feelings. I have the tendency in relationships to spend so much time buffering people from bad feelings, that it can backfire and make them feel worse. This situation taught me a lot about myself. There’s a lot I need to work on, but in the meantime, I think I’m going to lay low on the man front for a while.
Today wasn’t a big eating day, I started the day on an empty stomach mainly because I have to throw out all the food in my house till I get a new fridge, and later met a friend for Brupper (Breakfast-Lunch-Supper), I guess I’m not all that hungry when I’m wallowing in self discovery.
As for shooting, I was on the set of Colin Hearts Kay this morning, where I spent an hour in hair and make-up, and about 15-minutes shooting. This was my second shooting day, and I have one more to go. I’m psyched to see the final result. In the meantime, here are some fun pictures of me in Goth Gear:
Now for the food:
Shrimp and broccoli over brown rice
I split this vegan cookie with a friend. It was soooo good!
Coffee w/soy milk